Originally Posted by Onegai:

I watched Twilight recently, much against my better judgement and the many warnings of my friends. Now, I know Twilight isn’t meant to be a horror flick, but it definitely scared the shit out of me – with bad acting, directing and scripting that is. The basic plot will have you thinking “Hey, this doesn’t sound too bad”. But don’t be fooled. This is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen and to be quite honest, I would have rather have spent that time watching two slugs courting.

The basic plot in a nutshell: Bella is the new kid in town. She’s the typical “unhappy teen from a broken home” emo stereotype filled with sadness and about as much charisma as a wet blanket. She’s just moved in with her father and attends the most unrealistically good high school in the history of the world where she instantly makes friends, doesn’t get bullied and none of the students seem to drink, smoke, fight or take drugs. So on her first day, Bella meets Edward, a typical “I’m a dark and tortured soul” emo stereotype complete with pale skin and omg, is that lipstick? (Either that or the actors lips are unnaturally red). Anyway, they sit in biology class and exchange “meaningful” looks before Edward then very pointedly up ‘n leaves. So naturally Bella finds him fascinating (Must be a chick thing). Then there’s a very contrived scene where he saves her life by stopping a car with his bare hands (Like that hasn’t been done to death) that further fuels her infatuation. One thing leads to another, he confesses he’s a vampire, they get all lovey-dovey in a very emo way, the end. Well, not quite, there’s about forty minutes of the film still to go where they get chased by an evil villain called James, yeah real scary right? I mean “oh no, here comes James, run!” just doesn’t quite do it.

I have a lot of criticisms for this movie but I’ll try and stick with the most relevant ones. At one point I got the feeling that Keanu Reeves was actually playing all the main characters. Either that or all the main actors were trying to emulate his “acting” style because everyone seemed to be displaying little to no emotion and the miniscule amount that was displayed was forced at best. Then there was a wonderful scene where the entire vampire family has a good ol’ American game of baseball. The whole game was overdone with special effects, contrived (like the rest of the movie), forced, unnatural and just generally goddamn stupid. Let me not leave out the fact though, that all the vampires in the movie sported fangs that were barely noticeable, I knew a kid in my school who had bigger canines. And finally, possibly the dumbest, stupidest, most idiotic, thing that I have ever seen; the vampires do not burn in the sun. Yes that’s right, instead of bursting aflame, they shimmer, like a tiara at a Beverly Hills high school prom.

Well there’s a lot more but you’ll have to watch the film to believe it, although I’d advise you to remain ignorant on that score. Basically the entire movie is an excuse for this emo chick and this fagpire (A faggot vampire, namely a Twilight vampire) to make out a few times and declare undying love, and to quote from Crank here “Blah blah fucking blah!” The final slap in the face was while the credits were rolling, I suddenly heard a very familiar song, “Leave Out All The Rest” by Linkin Park. I was nauseated to my stomach to think that they would insult such a powerful and meaningful song by associating it with a movie that could be described as Epic Failure at best.

I have a few suggestions that, should this rant ever be seen by anybody involved in the spawning of Twilight, they had best pay heed to in the horrific event of a sequel or reboot. Firstly, if it doesn’t look, act or react like a vampire, don’t call it one, invent a new creature (Fagpire has a very fitting ring to it though, doesn’t it?). Secondly, get a better script and do some decent character development. Thirdly, rename the badguy from James to something a little more intimidating; along the lines of Kal Torak would be good. Fourthly, do away with all the would-be meaningful looks, they don’t work 90% of the time they’re used in the film and the crappy actors can’t pull them off which brings me to number five, get some better actors coz emo-girl and fag-boy, heroes of new Hollywood, just don’t do a very good job.

All in all, I’ll say this; if your girlfriend/wife/sister/female friend drags you off to see it or hires it, get drunk or stoned before you watch the film because at least then you’ll be able to laugh at its consistent shittiness, otherwise you may find yourself trying to claw your own eyeballs out.

Edward meets Alucard

Edward meets Alucard

I don’t know who made this, a friend found it on the net, but I imagine it’s a pretty realistic portrayal of a meeting between Edward and Alucard.

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